Audience participation/Call backs

Callbacks are part of the audience participation when watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show at a local theatre. It's difficult to explain some callbacks, since (when done correctly) they're fluid and analog - and thus difficult to describe in a definite, textual form. Direct any questions you have to a local cast member, a forum, etc.

NOTE: SOME PHONES BROWSERS WILL NOT SHOW ALL THE FORMATTING IN THIS SCRIPT.
Fandom is great - but it also has limits in its attempts to be universal. In this case involving the coloration of text. The script will still be legible - and usable - but not necessarily as legibly simple.

There are some things to keep in mind while reading this script or performing callbacks.

Many callbacks have a particular cadence, which keeps them from overlapping the movie audio. It's difficult to describe in text, but generally speaking, use your fastest speed of speech which allows for enunciation.
If the rest of the audience is using a callback, you don't have to follow along - but it might not be a bad idea. There are some situations where no cadence exists that will keep callbacks from overlapping. In that case, just know for sure what you're saying.
Most song callbacks are on the beat in some form or other.
Read the room. Hyperbole to make the point: Avoid abortion jokes at the Lost Pregnancies support group.
Be flexible. Callbacks are jazz - they take some precision, but you can shape a lot of it to your own rhythm and style. Get the idea right and the words will come. You have the permission - nay, the mandate! - to have fun with the words.

In transcribing the callbacks, the following textual styles are used for different callback styles.

Response / Call And Response
- Callbacks triggered by an audio cue, usually a character pausing or ending a sentence. 'Response' callbacks can sometimes overlay later dialogue. 'Call and Response' is a sequential 'Response' type, in that the callbacks are normally timed to fit into audio pauses, ultimately creating the illusion that the audience is conversing with the screen.
- Example: Say this is some dialogue in the script. (This callback is spoken after the character says the word 'script'.) Meanwhile, the character may be saying something else.

Audience Participation
- The gross bit! If you value your outfit, why are you at a Rocky show? ... No, seriously, there are a few times that the audience gets to get physical. (So if you're supposed to throw rice, et cetera, this is the tag.) And try not to be too much of a dick about things; aiming for Brad is one thing, aiming for his eye is another.

Overlay
- A simple phrase substitution, usually - although occasionally entire song verses can be overlaid by a callback.
- Example: The actor (audience) says this (this).

Discussion
- Some callbacks turn into discussions between sections of the audience. Normally, people doing callbacks choose one side or the other on the fly, although sometimes there's a member or two on the cast who will do both just to make sure someone does each part.
- Example: (One half might yell this! While the other half yells this!)

Chants
- A phrase or phrases repeated regardless of other callback lines until indicated.
- Example: (This is what gets chanted.)
- (Then later in the script, it's indicated when to stop the chant.)

Screen Timed
- Callbacks triggered by a particular visual event. The callback begins at the point specified on the script, although the precise timing may need to be seen and experimented with to perform the callback during a show.
- Example: (Screen event: Callback line)

Bracketing
- Expert-level callbacks, if you will. The callback begins before the movie dialogue, is supposed to be timed so that the callback ends in such a way that it ends right before the dialogue begins. These callbacks rarely have a particular cue that can be referred to; you can only guess when to start the callback using your knowledge of the movie and your particular speech cadence.
- Example: (The audience starts talking) Before the actor begins (and sometimes continues afterwards).

Screen Fucks
- Cast-only actions that are somewhat like callbacks. One or more cast members runs up and mimes direct interaction with the screen.
- Example: (There is usually a cue: Then there's an explanation of what the screen-fucker is supposed to do.)

Now get out there and have fun!

Song - Science Fiction Double Feature[]

Trixie:

("Twentieth Century Fox Presents": A long time ago,)
("A Michael White-Lou Adler Production": In a galaxy far, far away,)
(Screen goes black: God said, Let there be Lips.)
(Lips first appear: And there were Lips. And they were red. And they gave great head. Sing it lips!)
Michael Rennie was ill

The Day the Earth Stood Still

(The day he took those pills)

But he told us (to fuck off!) where we stand. (On our feet! On your knees!)

And Flash Gordon was there, in	silver	underwear (They were gold!)
	(crotchless) (edible) (cumstained)

Claude Rains was the	Invisible	Man (Fucker never showed up! How could you tell?)
	(Unfuckable)

Then something went wrong

For Fay Wray	and King Kong
	(fucked) (smelled) (broke her bong)

They got caught in a	celluloid jam.	(A sixty-nine!) (Yay, jam!)
	(sexual)

Then at a deadly pace	It Came From...	Outer Space
	(You came on where?)	(Janet's face! Good choice!)

And this is how the message	ran:
	(Freeze - those - lips!)

Science fiction (ooo hoo hoo) double feature

("Starring": Starring,)

(as God!)
(a f-----!)

Doctor X (Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!) will build a creature

See androids fighting (and fucking, and sucking on)	Brad and Janet
	(Dick O'Brien) (Conan O'Brien)

Anne Francis stars in (Deep Throat is the sequel to) Forbidden Planet
("A Groupie": Grope the groupie!)

Woh oh oh oh ohhhh

(Janet's a ho)

("A Heroine": Janet's got heroin!)

At the late night	(early morning)	double feature	(Rocky Horror)	picture show
	(very late night)	(fuck your teacher) (fuck your preacher)

("Charles Gray" Charlie Gray, he's okay, but he's got no fucking neck!)
(Do you know any child molesters?) I knew Leo G. Carrol

Was	over a barrel
	(fucking Jack Sparrow)

When	Tarantula took	to the hills
		(LSD)
	(How do you get the cum	off your lips?)	(Lips lick: Lick it, bitch!)

And I really got hot

When I saw	Jeanette Scott
	(Janet's twat)

Fight a	triffid that spits	poison and kills	(What the fuck's a)	(triffid?) (penis?)
	(penis)	(semen and pills)

Dana Andrews said Prunes (with pits)

Gave him	the runes
	(the shits)

And passing them used	lots of skills	(Yay skills!)
	(Ex-Lax pills)	(Yay pills!)

But When Worlds Collide, (Boom!)
Said George Powell to his bride,

I'm gonna	give you some	terrible thrills
	(feed you some) (fuck the)	(sexual thrills) (orgasmic thrills) (birth control pills) (shit out of you)

	Like a...
(And)	(take a)	(Lips freeze: Sex-ray!) (Blowjob!)

Science fiction (ooo woo woo) double feature
Doctor X (Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!) will build a creature

("Richard O'Brien": Dick number 1!)
(Another "Richard O'Brien": Dick number 2!)
("Richard Hartley": Dick number 3!)
("Peter Suschitzky": Three Dicks and a Peter!)

(What happened with three Dicks and a Peter? "Graeme Clifford": They creamed Clifford!)

See androids fighting (and fucking, and sucking on)	Brad and Janet
	(Brian Thompson)

("Sue Blane": Who's to blame? Sue's to blame! She did the costumes!)
Anne Francis stars in (Deep Throat is the sequel to) Forbidden Planet

Woh oh oh oh ohhhh

(Janet's a ho)

("Denis Lewiston": Who hates their kid enough to name them Penis?)

At the late night	(early morning)	double feature	(Rocky Horror)	picture show
	(very late night)	(fuck your teacher) (fuck your preacher)

("Richard Pointing" - run up and point at Richard's name)
I wanna go (I wanna come!) oh oh oh

To the late night	(early morning)	double feature	(Rocky Horror)	picture show
	(very late night)	(fuck your teacher) (fuck your preacher)

("Celestia Fox": If she's a fox, why does it say "uck"?)
By RKO, (RK who?) oh oh oh (Thank you!)
(What's RKO stand for? Really Kinky Orgasm!)

To the late night	(early morning)	double feature	(Rocky Horror)	picture show
	(very late night)	(fuck your teacher) (fuck your preacher)

(Where's the best place to fuck?) In the back row, oh oh oh
(Fuck the back row! Fuck the front row! We fucked you first! We fucked you last! We fucked you in the eye and you saw it coming! We fucked you in the ear and you heard it coming! Fuck you both, I'm in the creamy center!)
Alt: (Fuck the back row! You fuck the back row! Everyone fuck the back row! Gang bang the back row!)

To the late night	(early morning)	double feature	(Rocky Horror)	picture show
	(very late night)	(fuck your teacher) (fuck your preacher)

Wedding Scene[]

(Lips zoom out: Crucify! Crucify! Cross fades in: These lips died for your sins!)
(The steeple begins rising: Two people mime pushing the church up into frame; as the bell goes by, one of them swings and smacks the ringing bell)
(Church doors open: Throw rice - at the cast, at each other, at your dignity)

Dentonian:

Here they come! (In the church? That's disgusting! Don't kink shame!)

(Ralph winces: Ow! Ow! I said rice, not rocks!)
(Ralph kisses a cheek: That's not the bride, dumbass!)

Photographer:

Let's get a picture. Close together now. The folks and then the grandparents. (Who's invited to the cast orgy?) Yes, all the close family. (Wink wink nudge nudge know what i mean? Know what i mean?)
(The group starts posing: Quit fucking with your kid and get in the shot!)
Smile, hold that. Beautiful. And... click!
(Photo flash: [Wicked Witch] Ha ha ha! I've got your souls, my pretties!)
(Brad whispers to Ralph: I got the test results...)
(Richard O'Brien shot: We see you Riff! But the virgins don't!)
Congratulations! (Ejaculations!)

Ralph:

I guess we finally did it, huh. ([Announcer] Asshole fight, round 1!)
(Ralph and Brad punch shoulders: Asshole fight! Asshole fight!)

Brad:

I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Betty have been almost inseparable since you met in Dr. Scott's refresher courses. (Should've used KY, not Super Glue!)

Ralph:

Well to tell you the truth, Brad, that's the only reason I showed up in the first place. (What a fucking scholar.)
(Handicam points at screen: Hey look! We're in the movie! Hi movie!)

Betty:

O.K. you guys, this is it.

(Who's got the clap? [clap] Who's got the clap? [clap])

Ralph:

Well Betty's going to throw the bouquet.

(Expert mode: Try to time the chant to end when Janet catches the bouquet.)

Janet:

I got it! I got it!

Ralph:

Hey big fella, (How would you know?) looks like it could be your turn next, eh? (Sloppy seconds!)

Brad:

Who knows. (The Shadow!)

Ralph:

Well, so long, see you Brad. (See you sucker!)
(Car drives up: It's Ralph's cum but it's Brad's handwriting!)
Guess we better get going now Betty.
(Brad thinking: Think about it asshole; why does your finger smell like tuna?)
Come on, hop in. See ya, Brad!

([Smurf theme] La, la, la-la la la... Brad smacks car hood: Ack! Movie 1, Smurfs 0!)
(And the moral of the story is: "Be Just And Fear Not" sign: Be just and fear not! Be drunk and fear nothing! Be stoned and fear everything!)
(Old couple running: Oh shit, we missed the bus!)

Janet:

Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful? (No!) Didn't Betty look radiantly beautiful? (No!) I can't believe it.

An hour ago she was just plain old	Betty Munroe, and now...
	(Betty the Ho)

Now she's Mrs. Ralph	Hapschatt.	(Have shit, will travel!)
	(Half-Shit)

Brad:

Yes Janet, Ralph's a lucky guy. (No he's not, she's got syph!)

Janet:

Yes.

Dentonian:

I always cry at weddings. (And laugh at funerals!)

(Show me an angel masturbating! Statue comes on. It's Saint Peter!)

Brad:

Uh, everyone knows that Betty is a wonderful little cook. (And a great little fuck!)

Janet:

Yes.

(Billboard: Why's there a billboard in the cemetary? It was a grave mistake!)

Brad:

Why Ralph himself, he'll be in line for a promotion in a year or two. (If he doesn't get caught!)

Janet:

Yes.

(The home of happiness is in her hat? Nope, about 9 inches lower!)

Song - Dammit Janet[]

Brad:

(What do horses eat?) Hey Janet. (Sit on my face and wiggle! [motorboat noises])

Janet:

Yes Brad?

Brad:

I've got something to say. (Sing it, don't say it; it's a musical, asshole! Brad's a musical asshole!)

Janet:

Uh huh.

Brad:

I really love the... (Skanky? slutty? slimy? slippery?)
Skillful way... (What a fucking genius!)
You beat the other girls (With whips and chains!) To the bride's bouquet. (And that too. Now eat your veggies, slut! Janet's face ducks down:)

Janet:

Oh Brad.

Brad:

The river was deep	but I swam it	(Janet)
	(but so's Janet!)

The future is ours so	let's plan it	(Janet)
(Her ass is the size of	a planet)

So please,	don't tell me to	can it	(Janet)
	(tell me where I should	cram it)

I've one thing to say and that's

Dammit, Janet,	I love you
(Grab your ankles,	I wanna screw)

(Asshole moonwalk, go!)

The road was long but I	ran it	(Janet)
(Only assholes run	backwards)

There's a fire in my	heart and you fan it (Janet)
	(pants)

If there's one fool for you then I am it (Janet)
I've one thing to say and that's

Dammit, Janet,	I love you
(Only assholes	write on doors)

(Run up facing Riff, yelling "fuck you Riff!" and flipping the bird; when he tosses the pitchfork, act impaled.)

Here's a ring to prove that	I'm no joker
	(I’m a smoker) (I play poker)

There's three ways that	love can grow	(sex, drugs, rock and roll)
	(Janet can go)	(up, down, side-to-side)

That's	good, bad, or	mediocre
	(Straight, gay, or	furry)

(How do you spell slut?) Oh, J-A-N-E-T	I love you so	(You ho!)
	(I need a blow!)

Janet:

(How was your orgasm?) Oh, it's nicer than Betty Munroe had. (Oh Brad)
Now we're engaged and I'm so glad (Oh Brad)

That you	met Mom and	you know Dad	(Oh Brad)
	(fuck Mom and	you blow Dad)

I've one thing to say and that's Brad,	I'm mad,	for you too
	(I fucked your	sister too)

Oh Brad...

Brad:

Oh...	dammit!
(Ohhhhh	shit.)

Janet:

I'm	mad...
(I'm	pregnant)

Brad:

Oh...	Janet!
(Ohhhhh	shit.)

Janet:

For	you...
(It's not	yours)

Brad:

I love you	too-ooo-ooo
(I wonder	who-ooo-ooose)

Brad & Janet:

There's one thing left to do	- ah - oo
(Ah... ah... ahh... ahh... ahhh...	Achoo!)

Brad:

And that's	go see the man who began it	(Janet)
	(go fuck the man in the casket!)

When we met in his science exam - it	(Janet) (What the fucks an exam-it?)
(Who stole your pick-a-nick basket?)

Made me	give you the eye and then	panic	(Janet)
	(cum in your eye and then	cram it)

Now I've one thing to say and that's

Dammit,	Janet,	I love you.
(Grab your	ankles,	I wanna screw)
(caskets,	caskets,	I love caskets!)

(Asshole twostep! [clap along])
Dammit, Janet

Janet:

Oh Brad, I'm mad

Brad:

Dammit, Janet

Brad & Janet:

I love you

(I sniff glue)

(Brad and Janet start kneeling: It doesn't work if you both go down!)
(Brad and Janet are kneeling: Show me two people who wanna fuck!; Now show me three people who don't give a fuck! The screen cuts to Riff/Magenta/Columbia. Now split the screen four ways and show me a man with no fucking neck! Screen cuts to Crim.)

Crim Scene 1[]

Criminologist:	(I'll bet you'd like something.) I would like (you would, wouldn’t you I told you so!), ah, if I may, (You may not!) ...to take you (Take me! Take me!) on a strange journey.
((How strange was it? So strange they made a movie out of it! Crim pulls a book off the shelf: Not the book, the movie! Open the movie...) (Hey, do you want to see my Pokemon cards? [start naming Pokemon]) As the pages flip on screen: Three pages to asshole! Two pages to asshole! One page to asshole - wait for it!) (Picture of Brad comes onscreen: Asshole! Statement to prove it!) (Picture of Janet comes onscreen: Slut! Statement to prove it! That's not a statement, it's a resume!) (Crim comes onscreen: Aigh! The book ate his body! I ain't got no body - no body!) (Picture of Dr. Scott comes onscreen: [South Park’s Timmy] Timmy!)
Crim:	It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Brad Majors and his fiancee Janet Weiss, two young, ordinary, healthy kids, left Denton that late November evening, to visit a Dr. Everett Scott, ex-tutor (Sex tutor? But he’s paralyzed from the waist down), and now friend to both of them. (Is it true you fuck girl scouts?) It's true there were dark storm clouds (describe your balls!), heavy, (woo!) black, (woo!) and pendulous, (woo!) towards which they were driving. (Is it also true you fuck boy scouts?) It's true, also, that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air, (like your fucking neck!) but, uh, they being normal kids (Normal? They were virgins!) and, on a night out (It was a Days inn!) (Zoom in on Crim: Climb Crim's tie and fuck his chin with hands)... well, they were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening, were they? (It was a Days Inn.) On a night out... (It was Days Inn.) it was a night out (It was a night of in-and-out!) they were going to remember... (For how long?) For a very long time. ([Sinister laughter]) (Melting transition: You're so ugly you make the screen melt!)

Driving Scene[]

(Car approaches: [Batman ‘68 theme] Nananana nananana nananana nananana Asshole!) (In time with the windshield wipers: Asshole – slut – asshole – slut...) (For those of you on speed: [faster] Asshole-slut-asshole-slut! For those of you on weed: [slower] assshooole, sluuut, assshooole, sluuut... For those of you on acid: [stoned] Asshole, green, unicorn, my hand is God... For those of you on crack: [shriek] OH MY GOD I'M ON CRACK!)
Nixon:	(Are you a quitter, Dick?) I have never been a quitter. To leave office before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. But as president, I must put the interests of America first. America needs a full time president (Not a part time crook!) and a full time Congress, particularly at this time with these problems.
Janet:	(A motorcycle drives toward the screen: How many motorcycles is that, Janet?) Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us. (No it's the first; sluts can’t count!) They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the weather and all.
Brad:	Yes, Janet, life's pretty cheap to that type. (Yay that type!)
Janet:	Oh. (Janet still chewing: She chews and chews and but, never swallows!) ...What's the matter, Brad darling? (I came on the windshield!)
Brad:	Hmmm.. we must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back. (Or the right spoon!)
Janet:	Oh, but where did that motorcyclist come from? (Detroit/Japan/Sturgis!)
Brad:	Hmmm... well I guess we'll just have to turn back. (Don’t turn back! You’ll hit the cameraman!)
(Grab the tit, grab the tit, grab the tit... Brad’s hand across Janet’s chest: Woo!)
Janet:	Oh! What was that bang? (It was a gang bang! Oh no, you just killed the plot!)
Brad:	We must have a blowout. ([Smurfs theme] La, la, la la la la... Brad slaps seat: Ack!) DAMMIT! (Movie 2, Smurfs 0!) I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed. (Asshole!) Well, you just stay here keep warm and I'll go for help.
Janet:	But where will you go in the middle of nowhere?
Brad:	(Quick: whats white and sells hamburgers?) Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles? ([Cheer for the castle]) Maybe they have a telephone I could use. (Castles don’t have phones, asshole!)
Janet:	I'm going with you.
Brad:	Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet. (She already is!)
Janet:	I'm coming with you! (That'd be a first!) Besides darling, the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman (He is!), and you might never come back again. (You should be so lucky!)
Brad:	Heh, heh, heh, heh. (..Emasculating bitch..)
(The only rubber in the whole movie and it's got a hole in it!) (Asshole tire repair: kick twice to inflate! Brad kicks the tire: I said TWICE! Asshole!) (All sluts to the left! Janet runs left. Now, all sluts to the right! Janet runs right. Now, sluts: take it up the middle! Janet runs behind Brad. ..As usual.)

Song - Over At The Frankenstein Place[]

(Any squirt guns? Fire them everywhere! Any newspapers? Hold them over your head like a Rocky slut!)
("ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!!": [practice to get a good speed/cadence] How long does it take to read a sign? Let's find out! E-N-T-E-R-carriage return-A-T-space-Y-O-U-R-carriage return-O-W-N-space-R-I-S-K-exclamation point-exclamation point... WHY IS IT STILL ON SCREEN?!?)
(Slut, slut, slut of the jungle - watch out for that tree!)

Janet:

(Watch out for the slut-eating tree - if it gets you, you have to sing! Janet hits branch: Oh goddammit!)

In the velvet darkness

(Between your thighs)
(douche, douche, douche, twat)

Of the blackest night,

(Same thing)
(twat, twat, douche)

Burning bright, (What's up your ass?)

There's a guiding star

(It's a brand new car!)

(Hey Janet - will you fuck me no matter who or what I are?) No matter what or who you are (Yay!)

Brad & Janet:

There's a light...

Chorus:

Over at the	Frankenstein place
	(Epcot center)

Brad & Janet:

There's a light...

Chorus:

(Where's Santa Clause?)/(Where's the better script?) Burning in the fireplace...
(Untargeted zoom Meaningless zoom!)

Brad & Janet:

There's a light, light in the darkness	of everybody's life
	(between Janet's thighs)

(Motorcycles drive up: Make way for the shriners!)

Riff-Raff:

(4, 3, 2, 1, Sing to us o hairless one!)

The darkness	must go down the river of night's dreaming (Describe Magenta's period)
	(This shot is not close enough. I demand a close-up. Close-up! CLOSE-UP!)

(ACK! Too close!) Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming

Into my life,	Into my life...
(Look out for the interior lightning machine!) (Oh no quicksand!)	(Lightning overlay)

Brad & Janet:

There's a light...

Chorus:

Over at the	Frankenstein place (Flag flying: Look, Mario finished the level!)
	(Epcot center)

Brad & Janet:

There's a light... (Screen pans up to a cross: Run up and shout defiance at the cross - "God is dead! God is dead!"; when the lightning hits, yelp and fall.)

Chorus:

(Where does Trump keep confidential files?) Burning in the fireplace
There's a light, a light

Brad & Janet:

...in the darkness	of everybody's life
	(Between Janet's thighs)

Crim Scene 2[]

(No wonder they got lost. (Crim flips to map: This fucker's got the map!) (Crim's so gay he can't even draw a straight line!)
Crim:	And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet (Unlike your neck!), and that they had found the assistance that their plight required. ...Or had they? ([Sinister laugh])

Foyer Scene[]

(It's Scooby-Doo on acid! Nah, he's just stoned.)

Janet:

Brad, let's go back, I'm cold and I'm frightened... (You know that's my kink!)

Brad:

Just a moment Janet, they might have a phone. (Castles don't have phones, asshole!)

(Brad rings the doorbell: Ding-dong, asshole calling, sluts for sale, 69 cents, get 'em while they're tight TOO LATE!)
Or (Ding-dong, asshole calling, wanna buy some asshole cookies? No, they taste like shit!)
(Door creaks open: Doooorgasm!)

Riff:

(What's your favorite satanic dessert?) Hello. ([Riff voice] I thought you were Uber Eats.)/(I love you, won't you tell me your name?)

Brad:

(Are your drunk or high?) Hi! My name is Brad Majors (Asshole!), and this is my fiancee, Janet Weiss (Slut!).

I wonder if you could help us. You see, our car broke down (You got a flat!) a few miles up the road... do you have a phone we might use? ([Riff voice] Castles don't have phones, asshole!)

Riff:

(Check between Janet's legs!) You're wet. (I'm a Pisces!)

Janet:

(Did you bring your waterproof vibrator, Janet?) Yes. (Why?) It's raining. (On mah lumps!)

Brad:

(Hey, Brad, are you gay?) Yes.

Riff:

(Hey, Riff, are you gay?) Yes...
(Hey, God, are you gay? Lightning flash: Oh shit!) ([Riff voice] Missed, motherfucker!)
I think perhaps you better both (Fuck off!) come inside.
(I don't care where you come, as long as you clean it up! I don't care if you clean it up, as long as you come! I don't care if YOU come as long as I come!)

Janet:

You're too kind. (Two kinds of what?)

(Riff smiles as they walk in: [Riff voice] Wanna play Smash Brothers?)
(["Shake It Off"] Frank is gonna play play play play play, and rainclouds gonna rain rain rain rain rain... Brad shakes jacket: I shake it off! Shake it off!)
(Shot of the staircase: Can you see the domestic in this picture? No, there's a slut in the way!)

Janet:

Oh Brad, I'm frightened. What kind of a place is this?

Brad:

(Describe Maralago.) Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos. (Rich weirdos aren't in season, asshole! What weirdos ARE in season then?)/(Yay weirdos!)

Janet:

Oh.

Riff:

(Riff locks door: [Riff voice] I hope you like Cards Against Humanity.)
(How do you finger your sister, Riff?) This way. (Riff shakes thumb: I got a boogie on my finger and I can't get it off!)

Janet:

Are you having a party? (Do you see any Tupperware, bitch?)/(It's my sisters Bar Mitzvah, tonight she becomes a man!)

Riff:

You've arrived on a rather special night. (TUESDAY!) It's one of the master's affairs. (Which one?)

Janet:

Oh, lucky him.

Magenta:

You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky,

we're all lucky! Ha ha ha...

(The banister's lucky!)
(The banister's sticky!)

(The lucky one gets to pick the splinters out of her vagina! Or Riff's tongue!)

Song - Time Warp[]

(Clock tolls: Alexa, turn off the song reminder!)
(Hey Riff, show us [recent dead celebrity] and describe my ass!)

Riff:

It's astounding (It's a skeleton)
Time is fleeting
Madness (sucks!) takes its toll (Tolls of Madness!)
But listen closely (For how much long?)

Magenta:

Not for very much longer (Thank god)

Riff:

(How many balls you got, Riff?)

I've got to (I've got three!)	keep control.
	(smoke a bowl!)

I remember doing the time-warp (Kick! Kick!)

Drinking	those moments when
	(Patricia Quinn	That's Magenta!)

The blackness would hit me (Shoulda ducked!)

Riff & Magenta:

And the void would be calling (Everybody UP!)

Transylvanians:

Let's do the time-warp again
Let's do the time-warp again

(Whoa, whoa, whoa... How the fuck do I do this?)

Narrator:

It's just a jump to the left

All:

And then a step to the right

Narrator:

With your hands on your hips (Whooooa shit!/And someone else's tits)

All:

You bring your knees in	tight
	(2, 4, 6, 8, huhn!)

But it's the pelvic	thrust	that really drives you in-	sane
	(Group sex, group sex, group	sex, group sex,	fuck in a circle!)

Let's do the time-warp again
Let's do the time-warp again

Magenta:

It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me
So you can't see me
(Do you douche?) No, not at all
(Where do you masturbate?) In another dimension,
(How do you masturbate?)With voyeuristic intention
(Where are your tits?)Well secluded
(Can you see this?) I see all (Oh, shit!)

Riff:

With a bit of a mind	flip
	(fuck)

Magenta:

You're into the time slip	(Mag rubs bird: Fuck that bird!)
	(Mag rubs pole: Grease that pole!)

Riff:

And nothing	(Riff offers bagel: Eat this bagel!)
can ever be the same	(Brad shakes head: I'm not Jewish!)

Magenta:

You're spaced out on sensation

Riff:

(What's sister fucking like?) Like you're under sedation

All:

Let's do the time-warp again
Let's do the time-warp again

Columbia:

Well I was walking down the street just a-having a think

([50s beach music backup style] Oooo, woo ooo ooo! [until bored])

When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink
He shook me up, he took me by surprise
He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes
He stared at me and I felt a change
Time meant nothing, never would again

All:

Let's do the time-warp again
Let's do the time-warp again

Narrator:

It's just a jump to the left

All:

And then a step to the right

Narrator:

With your hands on your hips (Whooooa shit!/And someone else's tits)

All:

You bring your knees in	tight
	(2, 4, 6, 8, huhn!)

But it's the pelvic	thrust	that really drives you in-	sane
	(Group sex, group sex, group	sex, group sex,	circle jerk!)

Let's do the time-warp	again
	(out - in - out - in - just like sex!)

Let's do the time-warp	again
	(out - in - out - in - just like sex!)

(As Columbia starts tap dancing: [in time with song] 2, 4, 6, 8, Show us how you masturbate!)
(3, 5, 7, 9, You know you do it all the time!)
(10, 20, 30, 40, Now you're getting really horny!)
(4, 6, 8, 10, Clean it up and start again!)
(Don't... TRIP! Don't... TRIP!)
(Columbia falls: 1, 2, 3, 4, Get your ass up off the floor!)
Alt: (1, 2, 3, 4, Dance you little fuckin' whore!)

All:

Let's do the time-warp again
Let's do the time-warp again

Narrator:

It's just a jump to the left!

(Get the fuck off the desk!)

All:

And then a step to the right

Narrator:

With your hands on your hips (Whooooa shit!/And someone else's tits)

All:

You bring your knees in	tight
	(2, 4, 6, 8, huhn!)

But it's the pelvic	thrust	that really drives you in-	sane
	(Group sex, group sex, group	sex, group sex,	fuck with a midget!)

Let's do the time-warp again
Let's do the time-warp again

(Only virgins go all the way down!)
(It's not over till the fat lady farts! Fart/trumpet as purple lady is shown: Okay, it's over.)

Frank's Descent[]

Janet:	Brad, say something. (Say something stupid, asshole.)
Brad:	Say (That's not stupid.), do any of you guys know how to Madison? (That was!/Of course we do, we find it stimulating as shit!/Of course, everyone knows how to Madison!)
Janet:	Brad, please, let's get out of here.
Brad:	For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Janet. (Or on me!)
(Building bass line (or Frank's shoe, if you get lost):) (Shit, goddamn, get off your ass and jam) Alt: (Anal sex and oral sex and whips, and chains) ([These can be done alternatingly, or simultaneously, until Frank reveals])
Janet:	But it... it seems so unhealthy here.
Brad:	It's just a party, Janet.
Janet:	Well - I want to go.
Brad:	Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.
Janet:	Well then ask the butler or someone.
Brad:	Just a moment, Janet - we don't want to interfere with their celebration.
Janet:	This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.
Brad:	They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own. They may do some more... folk dancing.
Janet:	Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared! (It's just like prom!)
Brad:	I'm here - there's nothing to worry about. (Except alien sex fiends!)

Song - Sweet Transvestite[]

Frank:

How do you do, I (Fuck sheep)
See you've met my

Faithful	handyman	(It's a living!)
	(hand-job man)

He's just a	little brought down
	(little bald clown)

Because when you knocked (They rang!)

He thought you were the	candyman
	(vibrator repair man)

Don't get strung out (On PCP)/(on sex and drugs)/(like a tampon)
by the way I look (Or taste or smell)/(like a tampon)
Don't judge a book by its cover (Not even the pop-up Kama Sutra?)/(Oh, I'm judging!)
I'm not much of a man (You're telling me!)
by the light of day

But by night I'm one	hell of a lover.
	(One sick motherfucker)

I'm just a sweet transvestite

From	Transsexual, Transylvania
	(fSan Francisco, California) ([Current location of the theater])

Let me show you around ("rewnd")
Maybe play you a sound ("sewnd")

You look like you're both	pretty groovy
	(Fucking goofy [Goofy] Huh-hyuk! Gawrsh!)

Or if you want something visual (Try porn!)
That's not too abysmal (Try hentai!)
We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie (Hercules porn!)

Brad:

I'm glad we caught you at home
Could we use your phone? (Castles don't have phones, asshole!)
We're both in a bit of a hurry.

Janet:

(Left!)Right.(Left!)

Brad:

We'll just say where we are	Then go back to the car
	(then go fuck in the car)

We don't want to be any worry.

(I don't want fuck Tim Curry!)

(Can I get a drink, Frank? Frank throws water: Thank you!)

Frank:

Well you got caught with a flat, well, (how bout this?)	how 'bout that?
	(Tough shit!)/(How 'bout that?)

Well, babies (cry), don't you panic (Paniiiiic!!)/(whine)
(Frank spins hands: Reel 'em in!) By the light of the night
it'll all seem alright

I'll get you a	satanic mechanic	(Ozzy Osbourne!)
	(Hispanic mechanic)

I'm just a sweet transvestite
(Watch Frank's hips: Boom-chicka boom-chicka boom-chicka boom! - and roll 'em!)

From	Transsexual, Transylvania
	(San Francisco, California)

Why don't you stay for the night?

Riff:

Night.

Frank:

Or maybe a bite?

Columbia:

Bite. (Bite, not lick, bitch!)

Frank:

I could show you my favorite	obsession. (Sex)
	(position)

I've been making a man (You call that a man?)

With	blond hair and a tan (You call that a tan?)
	(a long dick in his hand) (green eggs and ham)

And he's good for relieving my (Anal)/(sexual)
...tension
I'm just a sweet transvestite (Check – him – out)/(Fuck him with your eyes, bitch!)

From	Transsexual, Transylvania
	(San Francisco, California)

HIT IT, HIT IT!

I'm just a	sweet transvestite
	(chugga-chugga-choo-choo! Woo woo!)

Rest:

Sweet transvestite

Frank:

From Transsexual,

Rest:

Transylvania

Frank:

(Do, re, mi, fa...) So (la, ti, do!) - come up to the lab, (I can't cum that high! I can, it's been a long week!)
And see what's on the slab. (I hope it's not Meatloaf again!)
I see you shiver with antici- (This movie would really suck without audience partici-) ...pation.
But maybe the rain (Hallelujah!)
Isn't really to blame. (No, Sue's to Blane! She did the costumes!)

So I'll remove	the cause.
	(your clothes.)

(but what about Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie?)

But not	the symptom.
	(The Simpsons!)

Getting In The Elevator[]

(Towel thrown on Janet's head: Janet's on the rag! No, the rag's on Janet!)
Brad:	(What do you say when Janet tries to fuck you?) Oh, thank you very much.
Janet:	(What do you say when Brad tries to buttfuck you?) Oh! Brad!
Brad:	It's all right Janet. We'll play along for now and pull out the aces when the time is right. (I see the ace of clubs! Call that an ace? More like a 2. Let me see your hole card!)
Columbia:	Oh, slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush. (Yay Rush!)
Brad:	Hi, my name is Brad Majors (Asshole!), and this is my fiancee, Janet Weiss (Slut!); (How do you spell Europe?) ah.. you are...? (Close enough!)
Columbia:	You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory. Some people would give their right arm for the privilege. (Or their left tit!)
Brad:	(What's your type?) People like you maybe.
Columbia:	(Look out for the clown horn!) Ha! I've seen it. (And I DON'T do laundry! Grab something useful, asshole - like a shoe.)
Magenta:	Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.
Magenta:	(What do you do when your dildo's uncomfortable?) Shift it!
(Riff can't hold his liquor! Riff drops the bottle) (Hold a glass under Riff's bottle, looking for a drink. When he drops the bottle, get pissed - until he shuts the door, at which point you get smacked away.) (No smiling in the elevator! Elevator door shuts: Thank you!) (Shot of the foyer: First floor - pineapples shaped like dildos and dildos shaped like pineapples!)
Janet:	(Second floor - stupid questions!) Is he, um, Frank I mean - is he your husband?
Riff:	(Third floor - stupid answers!) The master is not yet married, nor do I think he ever will be. We are simply his (slaves) servants (Same thing).
Janet:	Oh.
(Half a floor passes by: Fourth floor - midget floor!) (Black screen: Fifth floor - Stevie Wonder's dressing room! Don't worry, he can't see it either!) (Lab: Sixth floor - Abominations of science!)

Up In The Lab[]

(Who's that man all dressed in green? Oh my god, it's a gay Marine! Who's that man all dressed in blue? He's in the corps and he's gay too!)
(After the elevator opens: Invisible men first! Sluts second! Brad gestures. Sluts second! Assholes third! Domestics in the rear! That's why they call them "butt-lers"!)

Frank:

(What's the color of your foreskin after you masturbate?) Magenta. (Where do you get your drugs?) Columbia. Go assist Riff Raff. I will entertain (the cameraman, with the world's largest hand job!) ...uh huh huh...

Brad:

Brad Majors. (Asshole!) This is my fiancee, Janet "Vice". (Tight as a vice and twice as nice!)

Janet:

Weiss. (Slut!)

Brad:

Weiss? Um.

Frank:

(Hey Frank, say something French to make her horny!) Enchante. (What does that mean?) Well! (Wrong!) How nice.(Close!) And what charming underclothes (THATS what it means!) you both have. ([derpy] Underoos are fun to wear!) But here. Put these on. (And take those off!) They'll make you feel less... (Naked.) vulnerable. (Same thing.) It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them... hospitality (horse brutality).

Brad:

Hospitality!? (Horse brutality? I haven't had that since I was a kid!) All we wanted to do was to use your telephone, Goddammit (It's a bird! It's a plane! It's... It's...), a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore!

Janet:

Brad, don't be ungrateful.

Brad:

Ungrateful! (Brad takes off glasses: Super Asshole! With his sidekick Wonder Slut and her twat of steel!)

Frank:

How forceful you are, Brad. (Describe Rosie O'Donnell!) Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So... dominant. (If he's so dominant, why do they need glasses?) You must be awfully proud of him, Janet.

Janet:

(Are you a slut?) Well, yes I am.

Frank:

Do you have any tattoos, Brad? (Show him the butterfly/Care Bear!)

Brad:

Certainly not! (You can't tattoo an asshole! Sure you can, you just need a bunch of little pricks!)

Frank:

Oh well,.. how about you? (Show him the battleship!)

Janet:

No.

Riff:

Everything is in readiness, master. We merely await your... (Erection) word. (Frank spills on Riff: Oh shit, my best suit! My only suit... I'll just dig up another one.)

Frank:

(When is the orgy and who's invited?) Tonight, my unconventional conventionists (Hey, that's us!), you are about to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical (bisexual) research... (We're gonna fuck Ryan Gosling!) and paradise is to be mine! (Lost! Thanks, Milton. [Seal barks and claps])
(Close up of speaker: That's a well hung speaker! No, it's a pubic address system!) It was strange the way it happened... (Cut to Frank: That's a well hung speaker!) suddenly you get a break... (Snap your glove and scare yourself!) Whole pieces seem to fit into place, (Like a dick up your ass!) not a sign of being.. (Describe Trump!) What a fool! The answer was there all the time, (42! NOW you get it! 69! Hike!) It took a small accident to make it happen... (What did your parents call you?/What's premature ejaculation?) an accident...

Mag & Col:

An accident!

Frank:

..and that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient, (who gave the best head on Star Trek?) that

SPARK (Spock!) that is the breath of life... Yes, I have that knowledge... I hold the secret... (To life?) To life... (Itself?) Itself! (Twirl those noisemakers! Janet applauds: Janet's go the clap! Brad stops Janet: Now Brad's got the clap!)

(No it's Data - he's fully functional! No it's Worf - He's ribbed for your pleasure! No it's Sulu - he's gay!)

Resurrection Scene[]

Frank:

(Snap your glove and don't scare yourself! F!) You see (K spells "Fuck"!), you are fortunate. For tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be BORN! (be boned!/make porn!)
(More noisemakers! Man loses noisemaker spin: One black man in the whole movie and he's got no fucking rhythm! Frank in front of covered tank: It's the world's largest tampon! In time with Magenta and Columbia fluffing the tank cover: 66, 67, 68, The cover is thrown off: 69!)
Hoopla! (It's Tampon Man - and he's self inserting!)
(Who's got the smallest dick in the audience? Frank points.) Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator! (Riff flips levers: First one's easy; second's always a bitch!) (Who's got the biggest dick in the audience? Cuts to Frank pointing.) And step the reactor power input...

	three more points!
(Riff punching buttons:	Three! More! Doritos!)

(Riff starts turning wheel: I... think... I... can... I... think... I... can...)
(Ceiling shot: Pigs! In! Spaaaace!/Mystery Science Theater 3000!/[sing] Here comes the sun, do do do, here comes the sun...)

Janet:

Oh, Brad!

Brad:

(Describe the Supreme Court!) It's all right, Janet!

(Riff turning wheel: I think I can I think I can...)
(He's working so hard steam's coming out his ass!)
(How big is my dick, Frank? Overhead shot of tank: No, you know it's bigger... There you go!)
(Far shot of machine: That won't fit! Yet!/Who invited GladOs? The cake is a lie!)
(Riff turning wheel: ThinkIcanIthinkIcanIthink...)
(Turning on the colors: Red balloons! Orange moons! Yellow stars! Green clovers! Blue diamonds! Purple horseshoes! and [growl] Black metal! And you get - Rainbow Brite on her period! Science is such an exact science!)
(Riff ducking: [Riff voice] Oh shit... Incoming!)
(Screen goes white: Welcome to Hiroshima!)
(Frank looks eager: [squirrelly] Did it work? Did it work?)
(Rocky reaches for his first screw and... Rocky's hand grabs tank side: ...It's a bolt. Or nuts!)
(Give him some head, Riff! Riff pulls off bandages.)

Frank:

(What do you say when you get sand in your lube?) Oh! Rocky!

Song - The Sword of Damocles[]

Riff:

[cackles] (Wipeout!)
(If your cast still does it: time for the underwear run! Go get ready!)

Rocky:

The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head,

And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread

Frank:

You IDIOT!!

Rocky:

Oh, woe is me (No, you're Rocky!), my life is a misery

Oh, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a	pretty big downer
	(pretty bad movie) (pretty big boner)

I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed

All:

That ain't no crime (Except in Texas)

Rocky:

And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread

All:

That ain't no crime

Rocky:

My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go

And all I know is I'm at the start of a	pretty big downer
	(pretty bad movie) (pretty big boner)

Frank:

Oh, Rocky!

All:

(That's not how you do laps!) Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime

Rocky:

Oh ho no no

All:

Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime

Rocky:

Oh ho no no

All:

Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, that ain't no crime

Rocky:

(Underwear run!) The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head

Frank:

Well, really!

All:

That ain't no crime

Rocky:

And I've got the feeling someone's going to be cutting the thread

All:

Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime

Rocky:

Oh, woe is me, my life is a mystery

And, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a	pretty big downer
	(pretty bad movie) (pretty big boner)

(How do you jerk off your father, Frank? Frank shakes fist while crying.)

All:

Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime (Squeal like a piggy boy! Frank squeals.)

Rocky:

Oh no no no

All:

Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime

Rocky:

Oh no no no

All:

Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, ain't no crime (Frank is vocalizing: Who invited Daffy Duck?)
Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime
Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime
Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, ain't no crime
sha-la-la

Admiring Rocky[]

Frank:

Well really. That's no way to behave on your first day out. (Of the closet!)
But since you're such an exceptional beauty, I am prepared to forgive you.	([song over the dialogue] If you're horny and you know it, bang your bars!) (If you're horny and you know it, bang your bars!) (If you're horny and you know it) (Then your dick will surely show it) (If you're horny and you know it bang your bars!)

(Rocky bangs bars. Don't forget the twist - I like that!)

Frank:

Oh, I just love	success. (You like anything that sucks.)
	(gay sex.)

Riff:

He's a credit to your	genius, master.
	(penis)

Frank:

Yes.

Magenta:

A triumph of	your will.
	(the pill.)

Frank:

Yes.

Columbia:

He's O.K.

(He's not gay.)

(Half gay?!)
(Frank rolls eyes toward Columbia: Get your tits off m'tank!)

Frank:

O.K.? ([Smurfs theme] La, la, la la la la...) O.K.?!? (Frank smacks tank: Ack! Movie 3, Smurfs 0! What do you think of [latest remake flop/local politician]?) I think we can do better than that. (Let's go ask Ken and Barbie!) Humph! Well, Brad and Janet (tap tap tap), what do you think of him?

Janet:

(Lie, slut!) Well, I don't like men with too many muscles. (Just one big one! And Brad ain't got it! And Brad’s looking right at it!)

Frank:

I didn't make him FOR YOU! (She gets him anyway! You just spoiled it for the virgins!) He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval. ([Bark like seals and clap])

Song - I Can Make You A Man (Part I)[]

(Hey Frank, sing a song about Justin Bieber!)

Frank:

(Describe Elon Musk!)A weakling (Describe his wallet!), weighing ninety-eight pounds (That's two Justin Biebers!)
Will get sand in his face

When kicked	to the ground;(Don’t laugh that hurts!)
	(in the balls)

And soon in the gym (Who's Jim?) with a determined chin (Who's Chin?)

The sweat	from his pores as he	works for his cause
	(from his balls)	(fucks Santa Claus)

Will make him glisten (Whats your favorite toothpaste?)... and gleam. (Fuck you, mine's Crest)
And with massage (What's "message"? A massage with a mess at the end!)

and just a little bit of	steam,
	(Go for the gold! Go for the gold!) (Finger swipes down: Missed it, missed it, now you gotta kiss it!) (Why d'you think he missed it?)

He'll be pink (Describe my crotch!) and quite clean
He'll be a strong man, (What does cum taste like?) Oh honey...

Frank & Trans:

But the wrong man

Frank:

He'll eat nutritious, (Cum) high protein (Cum) and swallow raw eggs (Chicken cum)
Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and... (between the) legs
Such an effort if he only knew of my plan (Plan 9!)
In just seven days... (And seven nights and seven inches)

Frank & Trans:

I can make you	a man
	(a f--, just like your dad)

Frank:

(Rocky goes down for pushups: Hey, Rocky found the hole in the plot!)

He'll do	press-ups, and	chin-ups, do	the snatch, clean and jerk (off)
	(hand-jobs,)	(rim-jobs,)	(blow jobs)

He thinks dynamic tension must be hard work
(Show us some horse brutality, Frank!)Such strenuous living I just don't understand
When in just seven days, (And seven nights and seven inches) oh baby

I can make you	a man
	(a f--, just like your dad)

(The following three words have been censored.) (Roe! V! Wade!/Stick! It! In!/Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!)

Song - Hot Patootie[]

Columbia:

Eddie!

(Crash through ice: Fuck Tetris!)
(Goggles? Eddie tosses glasses. Check! Helmet? Eddie tosses helmet. Check! Attitude?)

Eddie:

Woo! (Double check!)

Whatever happened to Saturday night (Sunday morning)
When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright?

It don't seem the same since	cosmic light
	(cosmic cow)

Came into my life, I thought	I was divine
	(I was bovine)

I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go,

And	listen to the music on the radio
	(take me to the Rocky Horror Picture Show)

A saxophone was blowin' in a rock 'n roll show
You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time
([These are placeholder names; think about other deaths and substitute appropriately - i.e., "Heath Ledger, dead in a hole, thought the Joker had stole his soul"!])

Hot patootie,	bless my soul,	I really love that rock 'n roll
(Jimi Hendrix,	dead in a hole	cuz of sex drugs and rock and roll)
Hot patootie,	bless my soul,	I really love that rock 'n roll
(Kurt Cobain,	dead in a hole	cuz of sex drugs and rock and roll)
Hot patootie,	bless my soul,	I really love that rock 'n roll
(John Belushi	dead in a hole	cuz of sex drugs and rock and roll)
Hot patootie,	bless my soul,	I really love that rock 'n roll
(David Bowie,	dead in a hole	had a good life and just got old)

Trans:

(Describe "No Labels") Lovely party!

Eddie:

(Eddie kicks: Eddie says, "Eat! Shit! and! Die!")

My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled

My hands kind of fumbled with her	white plastic belt
	(chastity belt)

I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt
And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine (I'll love you forever... When head turns: Psych! Double psych! Triple psych!)
Get back in front, put some hair oil on
Buddy Holly was singing his very last song
With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along
It felt pretty good, Woo! You really had a good time

All:

Hot patootie,	bless my soul,	I really love that rock 'n roll
(Jimi Hendrix,	dead in a hole	cuz of sex drugs and rock and roll)
Hot patootie,	bless my soul,	I really love that rock 'n roll
(Kurt Cobain,	dead in a hole	cuz of sex drugs and rock and roll)
Hot patootie,	bless my soul,	I really love that rock 'n roll
(John Belushi	dead in a hole	cuz of sex drugs and rock and roll)
Hot patootie,	bless my soul,	I really love that rock 'n roll
(David Bowie,	dead in a hole	had a good life and just got old)

("Love": Love! "Hate": Hate! Eddie face: Ugly! Eddie back: Baby! Transies jump: Roadkill!)

Dealing With Eddie[]

(Frank's first swing: [Sportscaster voice] Swing and a miss! He should choke up!)
(Would you PLEASE hit the mute button, Frank? Frank drops the pickax on the ground and Columbia stops screaming: Thank you!)

Frank:

(What's the score, Frank?) One from the vaults. (A greaser from the freezer, like a bat out of hell!)
(Magenta knows what to do with used rubbers. Magenta starts peeling off Frank's gloves. Turn them inside-out and use them again!)
(Rocky bangs on the elevator door: My dick's in the door! My dick's in the door! Frank opens door: ...My dick's on the floor.)
(Rocky poses and glares at Frank: I'm PISSED.) Don't be upset... (I'm not upset, I'm PISSED.) It was a mercy killing... (It was a messy killing.) He had a certain naive charm, but no muscle (penis)... (Show him that muscle, Rocky!) Oh!

Song - I Can Make You A Man (Part II)[]

Frank:

But a deltoid and a bicep
(What'd you have for breakfast?) A hot groin and a tricep
Makes me oooh (wanna boogie with a midget and drink a), shake

Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the...	ha-ha-hand.
	(Ba-a-alls) (Scro-o-tum)

Frank & Trans:

In just seven days... (And seven nights and seven inches)

I can make you	a man
	(a f--, just like your dad)

Frank:

([In time with walk] Strut! Woo! Strut! Woo! etc.) I don't want no dissention, just dynamic tension.

Janet:

(Sing it, bitch!) I'm a muscle fan. (Who taught you the words?)/(Shut up, slut!)

Frank:

In just seven days, (And seven nights and seven inches)

I can make you	a man
	(a f--, just like your dad)

Dig it if you can (["Sexy and I Know It"] Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle, yeah!)
In just seven days, (And seven nights and seven inches)

I can make you	a man
	(a f--, just like your dad)

(Frank looks at Rocky, then the camera: Im-a fuck the shit out of him!)

Transylvanians:

Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!

(And the answer to the question: DOES Frank give a flying fuck?)

Crim Scene 3[]

Crim:

There are those who say that life is an illusion, (like your fucking neck!) and that reality is but a figment of the imagination. (Like your fucking neck!) If this is so, then Brad and Janet are quite safe (Unlike your neck!)... however, the sudden departure of their host (and his neck) and his creation (and his neck) into the seclusion of his sombre bridal suite (With its bridal neck!) had left them feeling both apprehensive (and neckless) and uneasy (and unnecked). A feeling which grew (unlike your neck) as the other guests departed (with their necks), and they were shown to their separate rooms. (With their separate necks... Where the fuck's your neck?!?)

Settling In For The Night[]

(Watch out for the holy water! (Janet bumps into the water bowl: Burns, doesn't it, bitch?)
(Cut to Riff and Magenta: 10 subscription services and the only thing on is the Slut Network! And it's a rerun!)
(Brad in the room Same room, different asshole! Same set, crappy movie!)
(Cut to Riff and Magenta: Hey Janet - there's a dildo on the bed. Sit on it! Janet suddenly sits.)

Frank The Wonder Fuck - Janet[]

(Have no worries, have no fear! Frank the wonder fuck is here! Big or little, tall or small, Wonder Frank will fuck 'em all! (Gooooo Frankie!)
Janet:	Who is it? Who's there?
Frank (Brad):	It's only me, Janet.
Janet:	Oh, Brad darling, come in. (And out and in and out and in) Oh! Brad Oh... Yes, my darling...but what if...
Frank (Brad):	It's all right, Janet, everything's going to be alright.
Janet:	Oh, I hope so, my darling. Oh...Ah...ahh OHHH! Oh it's you!
Frank:	([Austin Powers] Schyeah, baby!) I'm afraid so, Janet, but isn't it nice...
Janet:	Oh, you beast, you monster...Oh what have you done with Brad? (Nothing, he's dessert!)
Frank:	Oh, well, nothing. (Your room was first) Why, do you think I should?
Janet:	You tricked me...I wouldn't have...I've never...never...(But what about the football team? and the footballs? and the schoolbus? and the goal post?)
Frank:	Yes, yes I know, but it isn't all bad, is it? (It isn't all Brad, either!) I think you really found it quite pleasurable.
Janet:	Oh, stop...I mean help... (I'm getting mixed signals.) Brad Brad!..Oh Brad!! (Not Brad, different hair!)
Frank:	Shhh. Brad's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like...This! (YES!/Why not? He's got PornHub!)
Janet:	Like this..like how??! Oh, it's your fault...you're to blame... (No, Sue's to Blane! She made the costumes) I was saving myself... (For what, a rainy day? Look outside bitch, it's pouring!)
Frank:	Well, I'm sure you're not SPENT yet...(Spend her, spend her, make a deposit, she's legal tender!)
Janet:	Promise you won't tell Brad?
Frank:	Cross my heart and hope to die... (Stick a penis in my eye!)

Fucking With The Monster[]

([singsong] It's the hard-knock life for us, it's the hard-knock life for us...) (No matter how much I mop, I can't get these lights up!) (Riff turns: [rapid-fire] I'm gonna go fuck with the monster! I'm gonna go fuck with the monster! Then I'm gonna fuck you up the ass and I'm not gonna use any lube and it'll be a mess and you'll need to clean up and Riff hands Magenta rag. you're gonna need this a lot more than I will!) (Magenta stares at Riff walking away: He may be my brother, but damn he's got a sweet ass!)
(Stained glass above Rocky's ass: [sing] He's got the whole world up his ass, he's got the whole world up his ass...) (Riff picks up candleabra: It's the Brady Bunch dildo - they do everything together!) (Who'd Frank fuck for that? Was it the butcher? NO, was it the baker? NO, Then it must have been... the candlestick maker!) (Riff shoves candles in Rocky's face: Happy Chanukah, motherfucker!) (I know what you're thinking, and... Well, at the moment it might fit!)
(As Rocky shuffles to the elevator shaft: Gotta find a bathroom, gotta find a bathroom!) (You forgot your free sample! Riff throws candle.) (Rocky climbs down: Gotta find a bathroom, gotta find a bathroom!) (Arpeggio begins: :Elbow sex! Elbow sex! Riff and Magenta roll elbows: [cheer]) (Magenta's so tight, she squeaks! Magenta squeaks upon embrace.) (Rocky looking around: Gotta find a bathroom! Gotta find a bathroom!)

Frank The Wonder Fuck - Brad[]

(Have no worries, have no fear! Frank the wonder fuck is here! Big or little, tall or small, Wonder Frank will fuck 'em all! (Taaaaake two!)
Frank (Janet):	Oh, Brad darling, it's no good here. It'll destroy us.
Brad:	Don't worry Janet, we'll be away from here in the morning.
Frank (Janet):	Oh, Brad you're so strong and protective. (Like my diaphragm!)
Brad:	YOU! (Al Franken, state senator!)
Frank:	I'm afraid so, Brad, but isn't it nice...
Brad:	Why YOU! What have you done with Janet? (Fucked the shit out of her!)
Frank:	Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?
Brad:	You tricked me, I wouldn't have...I've never never...never... (Never ever have I ever gotten a flat tire, crashed a science party, and fucked an alien! Drink!)/(What about that time at boy scouts?)
Frank:	Oh Yes yes, I know...but it isn't all bad, is it? (And it's all Brad!) Not even half bad, I think you really quite enjoyed it. Oh... so soft...
Brad:	Stop it...stop it...oh Janet...JANET! (Not Janet, different hair!)
Frank:	Shhh! Janet's probably asleep by now, do you want her to see you... like this! (YES!)/(Why not, she's got PornHub!)
Brad:	Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame (No, Sue's to Blane!), I thought it was the real thing! ([indignant] You think this is a strap-on?!?)
Frank:	Oh come on, Brad, admit it, you liked it, didn't you? There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure, Brad. (There is in Virginia!) Oh Brad, you've wasted so much time already...Janet needn't know, I won't tell. (Unless she checks Instagram!)
Brad:	Well, promise you won't tell...
Frank:	On my mother's graoouuuuuu.... (Don't talk with your mouth full!)
Riff:	Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished. The new playmate is loose and somewhere on the grounds. Magenta has just released... (Her sisters!) the dogs.
Frank:	Mmmmm? Coming! (So's Brad! No, wait for it... Legs kick. There you go! [sports announcer] And it's good!)

Janet Finds The Monster[]

Janet:

What's happening here? (Take two!) Where's Brad? (Take three!)/(Having sex!) Where's anybody? (Having sex)
(Rocky running through the rain: Where's the fucking bathroom?!?)
Oh, Brad. Brad, my darling, (Janet my slut!) How could I have done this to you? (It was easy! But it would have been easier without the pantyhose!)
(Elevator rises: Saaay, this movie's got a centerfold!)
(Damn women drivers - they even crash elevators! Elevator suddenly stops.)

Oh, if only	we hadn't made this journey...	(But you did!)
	(my hand weren't glued to my head!)

If only	the car hadn't broken down...	(But it did!)
	(my hand weren't glued to my cheek!)

Oh, if only	we were amongst friends...	(But you're not!)
	(my back wasn't glued to this tank!)

Or sane persons.
(Or good actors!	Fuck you, Curry's great!)

(Hand on breast: I pledge allegience to my tit...) (Get butch, bitch!) Oh Brad, what have they done with him... (Walks to screen: Let's check Grindr!)
(Brad smoking: Don't worry, Janet – my asshole smokes after sex too! That's because you don't use enough lube!)
Oh Brad - How could you? (Stop faking - you're just upset you can't jump that high! That's one way to love your lever! [pronounce "lee-ver"])

(Cut to Rocky under sheet: Leave him alone, he's monster-bating!)
(Janet pulls off sheet: [Jersey accent] I told you lady - your car won't be ready til Thoisday. [Time to land "Thoisday" when his arm hits the tank.])

Janet:

Oh, but you're hurt... (Dur-hey!) Did they do this to you? (Nope! Did it to myself, and it hurt so good! Janet tears clothes: He's got more hurt than you've got skirt!) Here, I'll dress your wounds... ([sing] I'm stuck on Janet, cuz Janet's stuck on me!) Poor baby, there...
(Rocky's hand on Janet's arm: Okay, Janet, you have a choice here. You can either have sex with the monster... Janet looks at Rocky Or you can have sex with the audience. Looks at camera. Sex with the monster... Looks at Rocky. Or sex with the audience. Looks at the camera, then smiles. Woohoo!)

Narrator:

"Emotion - agitation or disturbance of the mind... (And you can only read about it, shit-lips!) Vehement or excited mental state." It is also a powerful and irrational master (mouthwash)... And from what Magenta and Columbia eagerly viewed on their television monitor there seemed little doubt that Janet was, indeed, ... its slave (a slut).

Mag & Col:

Tell us about it, Janet. (Sing it, don't tell it - it's a musical, assholes!)

Song - Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Me[]

Janet:

I was feeling done in, (And out and in and out and in!)
Couldn't win (Tits like those and you couldn't win?)

I'd only ever	kissed	before
	(sucked dick)

Columbia:

You mean she's...

Magenta:

Uh huh. (Catholic!)

Janet:

I thought there's no use getting (laid!)

Into	heavy petting
	([throw up the horns and growl] heavy metal!)

It only leads to	trouble and seat wetting (Hey, my seat's wet! Sit down and enjoy it!)
	(Slayer)

Now all I want to know is how to go (Try down!)

I've tasted	blood and I want more
	(cum)

Mag & Col:

(Less!) More (Less!), more(Less!), more (Less!)

Janet:

I'll put up no resistance (So no change?)

I want to	stay the distance
	(fuck your pistons)

I've got an	itch to scratch
	(itchy snatch)

I need	assistance
	(a dickin')

Toucha toucha toucha	touch me
(Fucka fucka fucka	fuck me)

I want to be	dirty
(I want to get	H.I.V.)

Thrill me,	chill me,	fulfill me
(Eat me,	beat me,	mistreat me)

Creature of the	night
(Cream between my	thighs)

Then if anything grows (Don't worry, it will!)/(Ho ho ho!)
While you pose (Poser!)

I'll oil you up and	rub you down
	(suck)

Mag & Col:

(Up!) Down (Up!), down (Up!), down (Up!)

Janet:

And that's just one small	fraction (A sixty-ninth!)
	(sex-tion)

Of the main	attraction
	(erection)

You need a friendly hand (job) and I need action
(Rocky mushes tits: Push 'em together and make one big one!)

Toucha toucha toucha	touch me
(Taco taco taco	taco)

I want to be	dirty
(I want a	burrito)

Thrill me,	chill me,	fulfill me
(Sour	cream and	guacamole)

Creature of the	night
(Taco Bell to-	night)

Columbia:

Toucha toucha toucha	touch me
(Fucka fucka fucka	fuck me)

Magenta:

I want to be dirty.

(I want to have puppies!)

Columbia:

Thrill me,	chill me,	fulfill me
(Eat me,	beat me,	mistreat me)

Magenta:

Creature of the night.

(Fuck me, I'm a dyke!)

Janet:

(Rainbow: Rainbow Brite's first orgasm!)

Oh, Toucha toucha toucha	touch me
(Fucka fucka fucka	fuck me)

I want to be	dirty
(I want to get	H.I.V.)

Thrill me,	chill me,	fulfill me
(Eat me,	beat me,	mistreat me)

Creature of the	night (Cast orgy!)
(Cream between my	thighs)

Rocky:

Creature of the night (Get uglier!)

Brad:

Creature of the night? (No glasses!)

Frank:

Creature of the night. (Bad hair!)

Magenta:

Creature of the night. (Less hair!!)

Riff:

Creature of the night. (Not that less!)

Columbia:

(Cut to Columbia: [scream in fright]) Creature of the night (Start over!)

Rocky:

Creature of the night! (Sloppy sevenths!)

Janet:

Creature of the night! (It took seven people to make her come!)

Dr. Scott's Arrival[]

Riff:

(How do you say 'thank you' in French?) Merrrrrcy!

Frank:

How did it happen? (Beats me, but I got a hunch!) I understood you were to be watching!

Riff:

I was only away for a minute... (Doing what?) master (-bating).

Frank:

Well, see if you can find him on the monitor. (Nice forehand, Frank, how's your backhand? Frank backhands whip. Needs work. Cut to Brad: He never whips me like that! You never asked!)

Riff:

Master. Master...we have a visitor. (It's that time of the month already?)

Brad:

(Scott on monitor: It's the bastard child of R2-D2 and Mary Poppins!) Hey, Scotty! ...Dr. Everett Scott.

Riff:

You know this earthling (Oh shit - and I wrote this!) ...person?

Brad:

I most certainly do! He happens to be an old friend of mine. (Well, a fuckbuddy.)

Frank:

I see. (Hi-C? I call the Ecto-Cooler!) So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. (No, it was a date!)

You came here	with a purpose.
	(on a porpoise!)

Brad:

I told you,	my car broke down.
	(my dolphin broke down.)

I was telling the truth. (I used Truth Social!)

Frank:

I know what you told me... but this Dr. Everett Scott, his name is not unknown to me. (I follow his YouTube channel!)

Brad:

(Hey, I paid to see this movie and I wanna see some male tit!) He was a science teacher at Denton High School. (Male tit! Male tit! Male tit! Male tit!)

Frank:

And now he works for your government, doesn't he, Brad? He's attached to the bureau of investigation (Robe opens: Male tit! [cheer]) of that which you call UFOs! (B! F! D!) Isn't that right, Brad?

Brad:

He might be...I don't know.

Riff:

The intruder is entering the building, master. (And the building doesn't like it one bit! The building should loosen up!)

Frank:

He'll probably be...	in the Zen room.
	(in the men's room!)

(Cut to Scotty: Dr. Scott, in the Zen Room, with... The Roach Clip!)
Shall we inquire of him in person? (Hand on lever: [commercial announcer] Let's use the Triple Action F----- Magnet! [time with leg] With optional leg lift!)

(Scotty starts moving: [sing] Here he comes! Here comes Speed Cripple! Paraplegic on wheels!)
(I don't like the new "Fast and the Furious"!)
(Circling the women: Ring around the lesbians! [Columbia voice] Damn tourists - they look and look and never buy!)
(Scotty up the stairs: Hey, Kool-Aid! Crash through wall. [Kool-Aid Man] Oh yeah!)

Brad:

Great Scott! (Throw your toilet paper! No, Mediocre Scott - if he was great, he could walk!)

(Engine sounds: [Read the room before using tragedies] Welcome to Malaysia Airlines [or other horrible incident]!)
(Tire screeching: Petty comes around the third turn...)

Dr. Scott:

Frank N Furter (Get your foot off my cock!) - we meet at last. (No, we meet at first!)

Brad:

Dr. Scott! (Suck my cock!)

Scott:

Brad! What are you doing here? (Just fuckin' around!)/(Getting really good head!)

Frank:

Don't play games, Dr. Scott. (Not even "Clue"?) You know perfectly well what Brad Majors is doing here. (He posted it on Twitter!) It was part of your plan, was it not? (Is that Plan 9?) That he and his female should check the layout for you. (Or lay the checkout!) Well, unfortunately for you, all the plans are to be changed. (I'm going straight!) I am adaptable, Dr. Scott; I know Brad is. (Suck and tell!)

Scott:

I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. (Not the gay sex, though.) I came here to find Eddie.

Brad:

Eddie (Dinner)? I've seen him!

Frank:

Eddie! What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?

Scott:

(Get snotty, Scotty!) I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. (Smart-ass!)/(Except walking!)

You see Eddie happens to be	my nephew.
	(My dinner!)

(Janet gasps: Janet finally came!)

Brad:

Dr. Scott. ([sadly] Suck my cock.)

(Frank pulls off sheet: Mouseketeer roll call!)

Janet:

Ah!

Scott:

Janet!

Janet:

Dr. Scott!

Brad:

Janet!

Janet:

Brad!

Frank:

Rocky! (Cut to Rocky: Bullwinkle!)

Scott:

Janet!

Janet:

Dr. Scott!

Brad:

Janet!

Janet:

Brad!

Frank:

Rocky! (Cut to Rocky: Bullwinkle!)

Scott:

Janet!

Janet:

Dr. Scott!

Brad:

Janet!

Janet:

Brad!

Frank:

Rocky! (Cut to Rocky: Bullwinkle!)

Frank:

Listen...I made you... (Out of Legos!) and I can break you just as easily. (You can't break Legos!)

Magenta:

Master, dinner is prepared! ([a la Stove Top commercial] And Ah helped!)

Frank:

(How was sex with Bill and Ted?) Excellent. (Bogus!) Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional. (Toga! Toga! Naked! Naked!)

Crim Scene 4[]

Crim:

Food has always played a vital role in Life's rituals. (Why is he rimming his Brandy? Wouldn't you?) The breaking of the bread, the last meal of the condemned man, and now, this meal. However informal it might appear, you can be sure that there was to be very little.. (Dammit, somebody say "action"!) bonhomie (boning me).

Dinner Scene[]

(Dining room door opens: You know, for almost 50 years now, we've had steam every damn night. [vamp in this vein til reveal.] Every damn night! Always steam! Please tell me you made something else! Burgers? Chicken? Just not steam! (Cover opens and steam wafts out. Oh god dammit!)
(Riff drops meat: Eddie, get your fat ass off the table!)
(Magenta lifts knife: It's the Black & Decker Pecker Whacker! It slices! It dices! It fucks Janet Weisses! It sodomizes, circumsizes, lobotomizes, Frank starts knife.) and BOY does it cut meat!)
(Frank starts carving: [Sesame Street Count] [As Frank carves] One! One skin! Ah-ha-ha! Two! Two skins! Ah-ha-ha! Three! Three skins! Ah-ha-ha!)
(Frank threatens Rocky: Put it down, bitch, or you're dessert!)
(Carving: [Count] Four! Four skins! Ah-ha-ha!)
(What kind of wine is it, Riff? Riff spills. Table wine! [whine] I don't wanna be a table!)
(Scott looks down: Oh shit, I got my period.)

Frank:

(What do you give at funerals, Frank?) A toast (Toast tossing!) - to absent friends... (May they fucking stay absent!)

All:

To absent friends.

Frank:

And, Rocky. (And now a song even the virgins know - sung by the world's gayest unicorn! Frank finishes putting on hat.)
Happy birthday to you! (Woo!) Happy birthday to you! (Woo!) Happy Birthday dear Rocky... (Happy birthday, FUCK YOU!) Shall we? (Now I'll never know how it ends!)

(Riff tosses meat: That man knows how to sling his meat around... Hey, Riff, deal me a slice!)
(Columbia chides Rocky: Use a fork, you fucking Marine! Use a Marine, you fucking fork! What?? If it made sense, it wouldn't be here!)
(Clang sound: Don't kick the bedpan!)

Scott:

We came here to discuss Eddie.

Columbia:

Eddie?!

(Dinner?!)

Frank:

(Threatens Columbia: Shut up, bitch, or you're breakfast!) That's a rather tender subject. (That's a rather tasteless joke!) Another slice anyone? (As actors react: Brad gets it! Janet gets it! Dr. Scott gets it! Rocky gets it, Rocky doesn't care - Rocky loves Eddie!)

Columbia:

(Columbia's popped out: Tid bit nipply in here!) Excuse me... (We've secretly replace Columbia's vibrator with: a cactus! Let's see if she notices. Columbia screams.)

(Frank looks up: What? It's just Curry sauce!)

Scott:

I knew he was in with a bad crowd,	but it was worse than I imagined...Aliens!
	(Who the fuck are you talking to? Who the fuck am I talking to? Who wrote this fucking script?)

Rocky:

Ugh?!

Brad & Janet:

Doctor Scott!

Frank:

Go on, Dr. Scott. Or should I say Dr. Von Scott? ([South Park] Timmy!)

Brad:

Just what exactly are you implying? (That he's a Nazi, asshole! He's a Nazi asshole!)

Scott:

It's all right!

Brad:

But Dr. Scott!

Scott:

That's all right, Brad! (I'll get out of this with a snappy song!)

Song - Eddie's Teddy[]

([There is a hand jive that goes with this callback sequence; find someone and pester them if you're going for 100% completion!])

Scott:

From the day he was born (Not the night, but the day)
He was trouble. (Not Monopoly, but Trouble)
He was the thorn (Not the rose, but the thorn)
In his mother's side (Not the ass, but the side)

She tried in vain
(He tried cocaine,	in the artery and the vein)

Crim:

...But he never caused her nothing but shame. (Shame, shame, shame)

Scott:

He left home the day she died

(He got stoned the day she died)

([spoken] Can we pick this shit up? Tempo up.)
From the day she was gone (Shoo bop shoo bop bop)
All he wanted (Was Doctor Scott's cock)
Was Rock 'n' Roll, porn (You call that porn?)/(Hi Grandma!)
And a motorbike (['50s backup singer] Oooo-weee-oooo-oooo)
Shooting up junk (Gimme junk! Gimme junk!)

Crim:

He was a low down cheap little punk! (Oy! Oy! Oy!)

Scott:

Taking everyone for a ride (He never took me! You never asked!)

All:

When Eddie said he	didn't like his Teddy
	(circumcised his teddy)

You knew he was a	no-good kid
	(Jewish kid)	(Oy vey!)

But when he	threatened your life with a	switch-blade knife
	(threatened your wife with a	dick this size)

Frank:

What a guy!

(Oh my god!)

Janet:

Makes you cry

(What a rod!)

Scott:

Und I did.

(Stick it in!)

Columbia:

Everybody shoved him,	I very nearly loved him
(Everybody sucked him,	I very nearly fucked him)

(That's not an obsessive shrine. Walks to wall photo: That is an obsessive shrine!)

I said, hey, listen to me

(I said, hey, stick it in me)

Stay sane inside insanity!

(Stay hard inside my cavity!)

But he	locked the door and	threw away the key
(But he	pulled it out and	came all over me)

Scott:

But he must have been drawn (Not sketched, but drawn)
Into something ([German accent] What ze fuck's a 'zumzing'?)
Making him warn (Not you, but)
Me in a note that reads...

All:

What's it say?	What's it say?
	(Are you gay?)

Eddie:

I'm out of my hed (Spelled H-E-D)
Oh, hurry, or I may be dead (Spelled right!)

They mustn't	carry out their evil deeds	(Scream: Too late!)
	(fill me with their evil seed)

All:

When Eddie said he	didn't like his Teddy
	(circumcised his teddy)

You knew he was a	no-good kid
	(Jewish kid)	(Oy vey!)

But when he	threatened your life with a	switch-blade knife
	(threatened your wife with a	dick this size)

Frank:

What a guy!

(Oh my god!)

Janet:

Makes you cry

(What a rod!)

Scott:

Und I did.

(Stick it in!)

(Teddy bear: Hi Pedobear!)

All:

When Eddie said he	didn't like his Teddy
	(circumcised his teddy)

You knew he was a	no-good kid
	(Jewish kid)	(Oy vey!)

But when he	threatened your life with a	switch-blade knife
	(threatened your wife with a	...ballpoint pen?)

Frank:

(What do you think of [masculine female star]?)

What a guy!

(Oh my god!)

All:

Oh ho ho...

Janet:

Makes you cry

(What a rod!)

All:

(Is Fat Albert here?) Hey hey hey...

Scott:

Und I did.

(Stick it in!)

(What the fuck is an 'unt'? Three quarters of a c---! What happened to the other quarter? I ate it!)

Slapping Janet[]

(If I told you once, I told you a thousand times: I! Hate! Celery! Frank pulls sheet off to expose Eddie.) (His name is Robert Paulson! His name is Robert Paulson!)
Frank:	Oh, Rocky! (What? She gots boobies!) How could you? (What did five fingers say to the face? Frank slaps Janet. Slap! I'm Rick James, bitch!)
Riff:	(Have you two taken your meds today, Riff?) Shut up! (Guess not!)

Song - Wise Up Janet Weiss[]

Frank:

(It's the annual Running of the Sluts!)
I'll tell you once; I won't tell you twice
You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss (Slut!)
Your apple pie don't taste too nice
You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss (Slut!)
(Knee to groin: [in time with music] Ow, ow, ow ow, ow, ow ow, ow, ow ow, ow...)
(Getting in elevator: Okay, I think we parked on the Blue level...)

I've laid the seed; it should be all you need
You're as sensual as a pencil, wound up like an E or first string
When we made it, didja hear a bell ring? (Ding-dong!)

Ya gotta block? Well, take my advice
You better wise up, Janet Weiss (Slut!)
(Elevator arrives: Sixth floor - Abominations of musicals!)
The transducer will seduce ya!

Janet:

My feet!	I can't move my feet!
	(I can't move my shoes!)

Scott:

My wheels!	My God, I can't move my wheels!
	(My God, I can't feel my face!)

Brad:

It's as if we're glued to the spot!

(I knew I should've washed my socks!)

Frank:

(Can you spell "Europe"?) You are! So quake with fear, you tiny fools! (Quake at your Doom!)

Janet:

(Go for the Oscar, slut!) We're trapped!

Frank:

It's something you'll get used to. (How's John Waters?) A mental mind fuck can be nice!

Scott:

(Entrances of the help: It's Huey, Dewey, Louie, and Screwy!) You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine. This sonic transducer...it is, I suppose, some kind of audio-vibrato- physio-molecular transport device?

Brad:

You mean... (A vibrator!)

Scott:

Yes, Brad, it's something we ourselves have been working on (A working vibrator!) for quite some time. But it seems our friend (A friendly vibrator!) here has found a means of perfecting (The perfect vibrator!) it. A device which is capable of breaking (A broken vibrator...) down solid matter and then projecting it through space (A cosmic vibrator!) and, who knows, perhaps even time.. itself! (Doctor Who's vibrator!)

Janet:

You mean he's going to send us to another planet?

Frank:

Planet, shmanet, Janet! (Hip check!)
You better wise up, Janet Weiss (Slut!)
(What do you do when you run out of toilet paper, Frank? Frank rubs against Janet.)
You better wise up, build your thighs up

You better wise up

Crim:

And then she cried out...

Janet:

Stop! (Where's your neck???!?)

Frank:

(Looks down under arm: Oh crap, my armpit fell out.)
Don't get hot and flustered!
(What do you do when you're out of lube?) Use a bit of mustard

Brad:

You're a	hot dog (up my) but you better not try to
(Stick a)

hurt her,	Frank Furter
(squirt her with your 12 inch)

Scott:

You're a	hot dog (up my) but you better not try to
(Stick a)

hurt her,	Frank Furter
(squirt her with your 12 inch)

Janet:

You're a hot dog -- (Shut up, bitch, it wouldn't've rhymed anyway.)

Columbia's Rant[]

Columbia:

My God! (That's your god? Curry's my god!) I can't stand any more of this! (Then siddown!) First you spurn (sperm??) me for Eddie, and then you throw him off like an old overcoat (used condom) for Rocky! You chew people up and then you spit them out again! (Doesn't anybody in this movie swallow??) I loved you. (What?) Do you hear me? I loved you! (Oh shit!) And what did it get me? Yeah, I'll tell you: a big nothing. (At least it was big!) You're like a sponge.

You take, take, take, and drain others of their	love and emotion.
	(cum and erections.)

Yeah, well, I've had enough. (Nip's out: Peekaboo!) You're gonna choose between me and Rocky, so named because of the rocks in his head.
([singsong] Holy shit! What a bitch! Quick, Magenta, flip the switch! Magenta flips switch.)
(BLT! Bigger left tit! That's the side Eddie slept on!)

Dealing With The Help[]

Frank:

It's not easy having a good time... (In Blacksburg! [use your own locale] How do you feel after blowing the whole football team?) Even smiling makes my face ache... (Bite your your and act like a Jewish grandmother!)
(Walks to the freezer door: [sing] I see a red door and I want to paint it black...) And my children turn on me... Rocky's behaving just the way that Eddie did. (Show us an orifice that hasn't been fucked! Pulls hair back. It's the ear or the nose! He's blown his nose! Eargasm!) Do you think I made a mistake, splitting his brain between the two of them?

Magenta:

Ahhhh! I grow veary of this	world!
	(accent!)

When shall we return to Transylvania, huh? ([accented] Ven you capture moose und sqvirrel!)

Frank:

(Where's her hand and why's he smiling?) Magenta, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother Riff Raff. You have both served me well.

Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood takes me, I can be quite generous.

(When you see the whites of Magenta's eyes, you've lost her. Losing her... Losing her... Magenta's eyes roll up. Lost her!)

Magenta:

I ask for nothing... (Under twelve inches!) Nothing.

Frank:

And you shall receive it... (Where?)

In abundance!

(In the buttocks!)

(Fee, fi, fo, fum, first I jerk off then I) Come, we are ready for the floor show! (All this and a floor show, too?)

([sing] Jeepers, creepers, where's Magenta's peepers? Jeepers, creepers - where the fuck's her eyes??)
(Elbow sex! Elbow sex! Siblings roll elbows. The handicapped are always getting fucked over! Yeah, but they get the best parking spots!)

Crim Scene 5[]

Crim:

And so, by some extraordinary ([emphasize pronunciation] Extraordinary!) coincidence,

fate, it seemed, had decided that Brad and Janet should keep that appointment with their friend, Dr. Everett Scott. But it was to be in a situation which none of them would have possibly foreseen. And, just a few hours after announcing their engagement, Brad and Janet had both tasted (Frank's cock!) forbidden fruit. (Same thing.)	(Has anyone seen my pet gerbil? He was running around on the desk... I love him so much and I'd hate to think anything...	([squeaking noises raising gradually in distress as Crim squeezes his hands])
	((Final squeeze: Oh my god, you monster!)

This in itself was proof that their host was a man of little morals...(Yay little morals!) and some persuasion. (Yay persuasion!) What further indignities (Shock Treatment!) were they to be subjected to? (Anal sex with a sandpaper condom!) And what of the floor show that is spoken of? (Where do you masturbate?) In an empty house? (When do you masturbate?) In the middle of the night?

What diabolical plan had been shaped by Frank's crazed imagination? What indeed?

(What diabolical chicken stepped on your forehead, fucked your chin, shit on your tie, and stole your fucking neck?)

From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to be (Orgy or picnic? Orgy or picnic??) no picnic. ([cheer])/(No picnic? I already brought the ants!)

Song - Rose Tint My World (Floor Show)[]

(Do the curtains match the carpet?)
(Hey virgins - this is what happens when you don't swallow! Frank with face cream. At least they gave him a tissue!)
(Messing with Brad statue: How does Sue Blane make it look so easy?)
(Do your Miley Cyrus impression! Frank wiggles tongue.)
(Show us how to program an iPhone! Frank slaps every switch.)

Columbia:

(Describe this movie!) It was great when it all began. (But now it sucks!)/(No it wasn't!)

I was a	regular Frankie fan
	(certified lesbian)

(How do you get certified?)

But it was over when he	had the plan
(I had to pass an	oral exam)

To start a-working on a	muscle man.
(And suck off a	librarian)
(And start douching with	Spic and Span)

Now the only thing that gives me hope (Is smoking dope!)

Is my love of a	certain dope
(Is my fantasy of	fuckin' the pope)

Rose tints (Tits!) my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain

Rocky:

I'm just seven hours old, (And can't dance!)
And truly beautiful to behold (And modest, too!)
But somebody should be told

My libido hasn't been	controlled
(I have the penis of a	four-year-old)

(Doooo-woop!)
Now the only thing I've come to trust (Is Janet's bust!)

Is an orgasmic	rush of lust	(Same thing!).
	(anal floss)

Rose tints my world and keeps me safe	from my trouble and pain
	(while I polish my balls!)

Brad:

(What's two plus two?) It's beyond me
(What do you say when you masturbate?)/(What does Mark Zuckerburg say after snorting cocaine off a hookers ass?) Help me Mommy!
I'll be good; you'll see

Take this dream	away
(Take this boa	off my hand!)

What's this? (The floor!) Let's see (Still the floor!)

I feel	sexy!
(I've got epi-	lepsy!)

What's come over me? (Frank.) Wo! Here it comes again (Good recovery time!)

Janet:

I feel	released
	(real cheap)

Bad times	deceased
(I like to	fuck sheep)

increased
(I'm still pickin' wool	out of my teeth)

Reality	is here
(Little Ho Peep	is here)

The game has been	disbanded (You lost the game!)
(My ass can fit two	hands in)
(My ass was double	fisted)

My mind has	been expanded
(My vagina's	been expanded)
(My libido has	been twisted)

It's a gas that	Frankie's	landed
(What's that smell?	Cover it	up!)

His lust is so	sincere
(They even fucked	my ear)

(Hey, Janet - kiss my ass! Janet air kisses. Use tongue next time!)

Song - Rose Tint My World (Don't Dream It)[]

("Radio Picture": What's a radio picture? It's a picture of a radio! What's a radio?)
(I hear Morse Code for "Get me out of this movie"!)

Frank:

([Regis Philbin] And the one million dollar question is!:)/(Whatever you do, do not talk about Fay Wray!) Whatever happened to Fay Wray? (She went ape shit!)
That delicate, satin-draped frame?(It was polyester - I know my fabrics!)

As it clung to her thigh (like a homesick abortion)/(What, the ape shit?)

How I started to cry

'cause I wanted to be dressed	just the same.
	(By Sue Blane!)

(I'd cry too if I was a homesick abortion, yelling "Mommy, mommy, it's cold out here, let me back in, and take this hangar out of my ear!)

(Kick the dick! Kicks lever.)

Give yourself over to absolute pleasure	(Board rises: [orgasmically] Yes! Yes! Yes!)
Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh	(Board falls: [disappointed] No! Wait! Damn you Viagra, you've failed me!)

(Describe Ted Cruz in a mankini!) Erotic nightmares, beyond any measure

And sensual daydreams to treasure forever	(Has anyone seen my pet Fluffy? She's about seven feet long, has eight feet, looks like a weasel fucked a pool noodle...)
Can't you just see it? Oh, oh, oh... oh!	(Oh my god, Fluffy! You bastard!)

(Calgon, take me away! Frank jumps in pool.)
(Oh, shit! Mom and Dad are home! Run up and fan all the smoke off of the screen.)
(So the link between man and god is... A f----- in an innertube.)
(Waiter! Waiter! There's a Transvestite in my soup! Shut up or they'll all want one!)
(How's God's finger up your ass feel, Frank? Heavenly!)

Don't dream it, be it
Don't dream it, be it
Don't dream it, be it

(What's the difference between Frank and the Titanic? We know how many people went down on the Titanic!)
(How did Frank sink the Titanic? He blew a hole in the side and sucked out all the seamen!)

(He's so gay he can't even float straight!)

All:

Don't dream it, be it
Don't dream it, be it

Don't dream it,	be it
(Don't drink it,	Frank peed in it)

Don't dream it, be it
Don't dream it, be it

(All turn: I smell Toll House cookies!)
(Last one in the pool has to be in the sequel! Columbia jumps in last. Sorry, Little Nell!)
(Brad licks necklace: The other balls, Brad! The other balls!)
(This isn't the Nirvana album cover I remember!)

Scott:

(Use the force, Scotty! Lever drops.) Ach! We've got to get (the fuck) out of this trap (And into that pool!) before this decadence (Yay decadence!) saps our wills. I've got to be strong (Like a good condom!), and try to hang on (Like a good condom!), or else my mind may well snap (Like a bad condom!), and my life will be lived... (Why do you fuck girl scouts?)

For the thrills!

(For the cookies!)

Brad:

(What's two plus two?) It's beyond me
(What do you say when you masturbate?) Help me Mommy!
(Columbia kisses Brad: I'm your mommy now, bitch!)

Janet:

God bless Lilly St. Cyr
(How does Janet taste, Frank? Frank makes face. A little tart!)

Song - Rose Tint My World (Wild And Untamed Thing)[]

Frank:

(Whose pool is this? And tell me thirteen times!)

My, my, my, my my, my my, my,	my, my, my, my...	my!
	(We heard you the	first time!

I'm a wild and an untamed thing. (It's almost over)
I'm a bee with a deadly sting
You get a hit and your mind goes ping
Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing
So let the party and the sounds rock on
(How do you jerk off the Jolly Green Giant? Frank shakes fists.)
We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone

Rose tint my world, keep me safe	from my trouble and pain
	(while I fondle mah balls)

(Meet the Beatles! As characters pop up: John! Paul! George! Ringo!)

All:

We're a	wild and an	untamed	thing
	(Step,	step,	step, kick)

We're	bees with a	deadly	sting
	(Step,	step,	step, kick)

You get a	hit and your	mind goes	ping
	(Step,	step,	step, kick)

Your heart'll	thump and your	blood will	sing
	(Step,	step,	step, kick)

So let the	party and the	sounds rock	on
	(Step,	step,	step, kick)

We're gonna	shake it 'till the	life has	gone
	(Step,	step,	step, kick)

Rose tint my	world, keep me	safe from my	trouble and pain
(Step,	step,	step,	kick, step, step, step, kick!)

(This is where the choreographer died!)
(With the song's cadence:)
(Kris Kross'll make you jump, jump!
Daddy Mack'll make you jump, jump!
To the back'll make you jump, jump!
Strut, strut, back - up, rush the stage!)

We're a	wild	and an	untamed	thing
	(Shuffle,	shuffle,	shuffle, shuffle,	shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, flair!)

We're	bees	with a	deadly	sting
	(Shuffle,	shuffle,	shuffle, shuffle,	shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, flair!)

You get a	hit	and your	mind	goes	ping
	(Shuffle,	shuffle,	shuffle,	shuffle,	shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, flair!)

Your heart'll	thump	and your	blood will	sing
	(Shuffle,	shuffle,	shuffle,	shuffle,	shuffle, shuffle, flair!

So let the	party	and the	sounds	rock on
	(Shuffle,	shuffle,	shuffle,	flair! Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, flair!)

We're gonna	shake it	til the	life has	gone,	gone,	gone
	(Shuffle,	shuffle,	shuffle, flair!	Shuffle,	shuffle,	shuffle, flair!)

Rose tint my	world, keep me	safe from my	trouble and	pain
(Strut,	strut,	strut,	kick!	Strut, strut, strut, kick!)

(End on an awesome!)

Riff:

Frank N Furter,	it's all over
	(The movie's almost over)

Your mission is a failure,	your lifestyle's too extreme
(The film's a total failure,	your hairstyle's too extreme)

I'm your new commander,	you now are my prisoner
(I just fucked my sister,	you can smell it on my finger)

We return to Transylvania,	prepare the transit beam
(It reeks of rotten tuna,	even though she licked it clean)

(Hey Magenta - there's a lesbian convention in the parking lot! Magenta moves to leave. Ha! Works every time!)

Frank's Explanation[]

Frank:

Wait! (What do you say when you get caught fucking your neighbor's dog/cat?) I can explain! (It's not my dog!)/(Have you seen the neighbors cat? Meow, hello kitty!)
(Riff smiles at Magenta: This ought to be good.)
(Frank whispers to Columbia: You, go fuck with an onion. Frank whispers to Rocky: You, go get an engineering degree.)
Alt: (You go fuck with the lights, you go fuck with the switches, and I'll stay here and shit my britches.)
([Captain Planet] Let our powers combine! Wind! Water! Columbia turns on light. Onion!)
(Rocky flips two switches: Heh heh - Rocky get engineering degree from UVA! [substitute local rival])
Alt: (Columbia sure is bright, but Rocky is a flipping genius.)

Song - I'm Going Home[]

(Ladies and Gentlemen, for one night, Liza Minelli sings with Alfalfa's shadow and Buckwheat lying on stage with a hard-on!)

Frank:

On the day I went away

All:

Goodbye

(Nobody cared)

Frank:

Was all I had to say

All:

Now I

(Boo fucking hoo)

Frank:

I want to come again (and again, and again), and stay

All:

Oh, my, my

Frank:

Smile, and that will mean	I may
	(I'm gay! Look at that smile - he's real gay.)

'cause I've seen, oh,	blue skies
	(Windows 95!)

Through the tears (Not tears, but it is salty!) in my eyes
And I realize (I should've used Maybelline, this shit smears!), I'm going home
(And now, Miss Piggy on acid! Zoom on Frank's eyes. [Miss Piggy] Oh, Kermy - I'm tripping balls!)

All:

I'm going home
(Audience fades in: Instant audience, just add acid! Instant acid, just add audience!)

Frank:

(Where've you had sex?) Everywhere (How's it been?) it's been the same

All:

Feeling

Frank:

(What's bukkake like?)/(What's it like pissing into a ceiling fan?) Like I'm outside in the rain

All:

Wheeling

Frank:

Free to try and find a game (How about Clue?)

All:

Dealing

Frank:

(Describe Magic the Gathering!) Cards for sorrow, cards for pain
(Cards! In the air! All of them!)
(Tickle Frank's buttcheek - he'll shoo you away a couple times.)

'Cause I've seen,	oh,	blue skies
	(this movie	too many times!)

Through the tears in my eyes And I realize (I've got Smurf cum on my chest! Movie 3, Smurfs 1!), I'm going home

(Everybody rise for your queen! Seriously, get up - this is, like, the most serious bit of the movie.)

Frank & All:

I'm going home
I'm going home
I'm going home

(Frank blocks the light: Hey, it's a total f----- eclipse! What's a total f----- eclipse? It's when a gay man comes in front of your son!)
(Frank standing in front of the siblings: ...And then the drugs wore off.)

The Death Of Everyone[]

Magenta:

How sentimental.

(Back to life, back to reality... Scanning empty room: Hey, it's the Fire Festival!)

Riff:

And also presumptuous of you. You see, when I said WE were to return to Transylvania (I was speaking French!), I referred only to Magenta and myself. I'm sorry, however, if you found my words misleading (You fuckin lied!), but you see, you are to remain here.

(Riff points laser: Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya - you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Darth Vader - I am your father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Oedipus - I fucked my mother and killed my father, I want to die. Hello, my name is Richard O'Brien - you fucked up my movie, prepare to die!)

In spirit, anyway.

Scott:

Great heavens! That's a laser!

Riff:

Yes, Dr. Scott. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure anti-matter. (Does that mean the movie doesn't matter?)/(Then it's not a laser!)

Brad:

You mean...you're going to kill him? What's his crime? (Male fraud!)/(Homo-side)

Scott:

You saw what became of Eddie. Society must be protected. (Fuck society! I fucked society, I got a social disease!)

Riff:

Exactly, Dr. Scott. And now, Frank N Furter, your time has come. (Everything comes in this movie!) Say goodbye to all of this ([happily] Goodbye, all this!), and hello... (Hello!) to oblivion! (Hi, oblivion, how's the wife and kids? Wife's fine, but the kids are a little tight - sorry about the dog.)

(Columbia eye close-up: A blink of the eye, a twitch of the lip, the first one to scream gets shot in the tit! Columbia screams and is shot.)
(Frank reacts: Oh, shit! He charged the batteries this time!)
(Frank starts retreating: Go under the curtain Frank! Under! Frank climbs. The first thing in the movie Frank doesn't go down on and it would've saved his life!)
(Frank's neck cracks: He landed on his Crunch Bar!)
(Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your pubes! Rope falls down on Frank's corpse.)
(Rocky yells: Mommy! Daddy! ...I'm so confused!)
(Don't worry, Frank's not dead yet! Rocky falls down. ...Well, now he is.)
(No, Rocky, don't let the music out! Rocky throws back sheet. Dammit!)
(Rocky crying: I never found the bathroom!)
([Do this sequence in a similar cadence each time, as indicated the first time] Riff fires. Chest! Of! Steel! Riff fires again. Back of steel! Riff fires a third time. Deltoid of steel! Overhead shot. Plank of wood! Riff fires a fourth time. Armpit of steel! Rocky shakes fist. Get your hand off my ass! Rocky adjusts Frank's arm. ...And onto my nipple! Rocky climbs. Tower of plastic! Riff fires fifth time: Power of headshot! Rocky falls. Force of gravity!)
(Airplane sound: Go ahead and land, JFK Jr.!)
(Rocky floating: Since when do Rocks float and fruits sink?)

Brad:

Good God!

Janet:

Oh! You killed them!

Magenta:

But I thought you liked them. They liked you.

Riff:

(Get paranoid, Riff!) They didn't like me! (Get REAL paranoid, Riff!)/(Start some family therapy!) He never liked me! (I like you!)

Scott:

You did right. (Kiss ass!)

Riff:

(Riff starts turning towards Earthlings: Slowly I turned - step by step, inch by inch, millimeter by fucking millimeter... How do you fuck a millimeter? Ask Stormy Daniels!)
A decision had to be made. (And I blew it!)

Scott:

You're O.K. by me. (Handshake motion: Nanoo nanoo? Oh shit, wrong alien!)

Riff:

Dr. Scott, I'm sorry about your (dinner) nephew.

Scott:

Eddie? Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best, heh, heh, heh. (No, it was for the breast!)

Riff:

You should leave now, Dr. Scott, while it is still possible. ([shocked] Wait, it was possible before?) We are about to beam the entire house to the planet Transsexual (Where women come out their ears and men get their hair done at Dairy Queen!), in the galaxy of Transylvania. Go... (When?) Now!
(Earthlings walk away: Does this mean we can't use your phone?
Riff smiles after them: I like them. They're getting a Christmas card.)
(Frank floating: Welcome to Fukushima! [use appropriate water tragedy])
Our noble mission is completed, my most beautiful sister,(If that's the beautiful one I wonder what the ugly one looks like!) and soon we shall return to the moon-drenched shores of our (polluted/perverted/etc.) beloved planet.

Magenta:

Ah, sweet Transsexual, land of night. (And high electric bills!) (Stretch Riff's invisible dick!) To sing and dance once more to your dark refrain... ([to "Danke Schon"] Dark refrain, darling, dark refrain...) To take that... (Whoa, hold on - feeling an a flashback coming on...) step, to the right...

Both:

(Did anyone else taste acid in the popcorn?) HAH! (Transies flash on screen: Ack!)

Riff:

But it's the pelvic THRUST...

Transylvanians:

That really drives you insane!
(Wait, this wasn't in the movie! Shut up, it is now!)

Magenta:

And our world... will do	the Time Warp... again!
	(same shit... again!)

(Elbow roll: Elbow quickie!)

Song - Superheroes[]

(As the castle takes off, help lift it!)
([Depending on the version being played, this song might not be included. Sorry, suckers!])

Brad:

(How much pot have you smoked?!)

I've done a lot	(of drugs) (of little boys)
God knows I've tried	(all the drugs) (to fuck little boys)
To find the truth	(about drugs)
I've even lied	(to get drugs) (to the parents of little boys)

But all I know (about drugs) is down inside I'm..

All:

Bleeding... (So swallow a tampon and shut up!)

Janet:

(Ladies and gentlemen, for one night only - Susan Sarandon in Cats!)

And	super	heroes
(Meow	meow meow	meow)

(Stumble stumble fall!)

Come	to	the	feast
(Meow	meow	meow	meow)

(Stumble stumble fall!)

To	taste	the	flesh
(Meow	meow	meow	meow)

(Stumble stumble psych!)

Not	yet	deceased
(Meow	meow	meow meow)

(Stumble stumble sit!)

And	all	I	know
Meow	meow	meow	meow)

Is still the beast	is feeding
(Is that my nose	exploded)

All:

Ahh, ahh...

(Brad crawling around: Thelma! Thelma! Where are you, Thelma! Janet crawling around: Louise! Louise! Scotty looking stunned: [South Park] Timmy! Timmy!)
(As the overhead zooms out, go to the screen. It needs help to start spinning; help it spin until Crim stops the globe - at which point, you get flung away.)
(Crim stops globe: Oh my god, you killed Kenya! You bastard!)

(I've been to Australia – it's not purple! Yeah, but I've been to China, and it IS red!)

Narrator:

And crawling on the planet's face... Some insects (Kill 'em! Kill 'em!)/(Why was your phone bill so high?), called the human race... (Oh shit, that's us!) (Where's your neck?) Lost in time (What's your favorite old show to masturbate to?), and lost in space, (What does this movie lack?) And meaning.

All:

(One more time for the virgins!) Meaning.

(When the light is turned off, point to the point of the movie!)
(Hey look - it's the point of the movie!

Song - Science Fiction Double Feature (Reprise)[]

(Depending on the cast, this is normally used as the curtain call. Don't expect much callback or reaction.)
(Xylophone riff: [School PA] Today's lunch is sloppy joes and tater tots!)

Trixie:

Science Fiction Double Feature.
Frank has built and (beat and fucked)
Lost his creature.
Darkness has conquered (beat and fucked)
Brad and Janet.
The servants gone to
A distant planet.
Wo, oh, oh, oh.
At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
I want to go, (I still want to cum!) oh, oh, oh.
To the late night, double feature,

Picture show.
(Right before the music style changes: Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance!)

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